Greif

Bad Blogger. Its been almost a year since my last post!
Anyway, I'm just finishing up my OB/GYN rotation. This one has been hard, not only because of the long hours, but the few cases that end tragically. We had a patient, 42 years old, with a IUFD (intrauterine fetal demise) at 36 weeks gestation. I can't imagine that kind of heart breaking unimaginable pain that couple must be feeling. Is it possible I'm feeling it for them?

I've been reading Molly Piper's blog: http://mollypiper.com
Her blog is full of grace. She and her husband, Abraham, had a IUFD at 39 weeks. Full term. She delivered her lifeless baby vaginally, which is quite heroic. Molly's writings are lovely, and often are so encouraging as she walks the reader through the steps of her bereavement. I think I grieved with her. Is it possible to grieve with someone you've never met?

Anyways, I'm tired. I feel like I'm always tired, and can't even manage to keep the house clean, dishes washed, bathrooms clean.
I need to start exercising more.

A few old journal entries

I've started a blog twice before this one. Obviously, I kept up with neither. I'm praying that this one will be different, that will the Lord's guidance, it can glorify He and His Kingdom. 

Anyways, here are a few entries that I want to keep. They are from late 2003/early 2004, around the time I heard the Gospel for the first time. 

"Becoming a Christian" March 2003

Throughout my adolescence, I had always adhered to strict morals which I had made for myself. I went to bed early, studied hard, never drank alcohol or experimented with drugs, and kept myself always in good company. I even cracked open a dusty Bible when I was especially desperate.

As with other "normal" teens, i fought with my parents day and night, putting them through what they have called the hardest years of their life. But however confused I was with myself, however many disappointments I faced, I never wavered from my self-imposed rules. I probably cannot even think now of the main reason why. But I remember always feeling as if one day, I would abandon all this confusion and suddenly everything would make sense. I vaguely felt as if God was always waiting right outside my door, just waiting to be accepted in. And I felt as if in the future, I would accept Him into my heart and change forever.

Well, that happened much sooner than I had expected. I spent my first semester at college in Northfield, MN. Let me tell you, having thought i could never get too far away from my parents, I cried every night for them. I missed the man I was dating (Steven), and my dog Granny. It was absolutely horrible. But i know now that the Lord is in controll of all things, and He, through his majestic grace, brought me to Minnesota.

Halfway through my first trimester, I began to desperately seek familiar company. My cousin Gayle lives in Eden Prairie, a suburb of Minneapolis that is about 35 minutes north of Northfield, with her family. I took the bus one cold November weekend and spend two nights with them. Now, i knew Gayle and her husband Bob were what my parents called "born-again Christians," and I was always on edge in their home so as to not say or do anything offensive. But what struck me suddenly when speaking with them was the warmth that emanated from their hearts. I began to ask Gayle about the Gospel, and that first night we were up until 2am talking about Jesus. I went to bed that night excited about my learning experience. I called Steven and talked his ear off until 4am, getting upset when he didn't agree with what I had just learned. That Sunday, I attended their church at which Bob is a teaching pastor. I sat in the back row, sucking in every word. Something in the Christian life appealed to me. I found myself yearning for total dependence on God, on a life dedicated to everything the modern world was not, to the peace I saw in the Christians I had met. I left the Glenn's home that weekend rejuvinated, and convinced I had started a new chapter in my life.

Well, all good things take time. I was NOT a Christian after that weekend, and I soon forgot the Gospel the Glenns had shared with me, and resumed my "normal" life. After Thanksgiving, I transferred to the University of Wisconsin-Madison, where Steven was attending. I still kept in contact with Bob and Gayle, and even dragged Steve to a Lutheran church service down the street from my dorm. We both were promptly reminded of Catholicism during the service, and never returned. But I began searching online for Christian articles, downloading Bob's sermons, and started a notebook in which i wrote Bible verses and expounded on them. Slowly but surely, the Lord changed my heart. I began reading His Word daily, searching for more truths, and found myself thinking on God more often. My notebook was soon filled with verses from every book and mini-prayers intersperced asking for continued enlightenment. I can recall lying in my twin-sized cot at 2am, thinking about the Lord and the changes He had made in my life. I thought of the people who I had sinned against, and remembered one guy in high school, who I had held a strong grudge against despite his genuine efforts to re-befriend me. I realized that since the Lord had saved me, I could now easily forgive him. I called him that moment, at 2:31am, to tell him of my new salvation and express my remorse for having rebuffed him so often in school. Of course, he was asleep, and I spoke to him the next day.

Such a peace has been brought to my life. The Lord is truly perfect in His glory and mercy. I can honestly say I fear nothing in life nor death, because I am already saved. As a new Christian, I find myself easily distracted from His will. But I keep pressing on in my heart towards him, and as I grow more Christ-like and more aware of my sin, I can find joy in the life He has given me and remain so grateful just for the opportunity to worship Him.

"I Believe..." December 2005

1. in Christ's ultimate sacrifice
2. in fearing the Lord
3. that faith, belief, and discipline to the Gospel will be rewarded a hundred times over in heaven
4. that "you'll never know 'till you reach the top if it was worth the uphill climb"
5. that a hot bath will take your stress away...and if it doesn't, you always feel refreshed afterwards and ready to take on the world
6. in the beauty of Christian marriage
7. that Crayola markers make taking organic chemistry notes SOOO much more fun
8. in hard work to the point of exhaustion
9. that Napolean Dynamite is the worst movie in the history of the world
10. that 'family' is not limited by relation
11. that high-thread count sheets are essential to a good night's sleep
12. in can't-live-without-you love
13. that green tea decongests sinuses as well as Benadryl
14. that television is an AWESOME form of entertainment
15. the creation of the world as according to Genesis
16. in a dog/cat's ability to remedy a bad day
17. that a woman's virginity belongs to her husband
18. in peace
19. in second chances, and people's ability to change for the better

Happy Birthday Mom

It’s my mom’s birthday today. 

At my wedding, July 5th 2008

My mom and I are very different people. She is glowing and effervescent, always the life of the party, and a self-proclaimed social butterfly. I, on the other hand, am introverted, reserved,  and so shy that it borders on anti-social. Despite these differences, we somehow fit together. 

This past July, I gave birth to my first child, a daughter, named Sophie Juliette. That day, for the very first time, I experienced a mother’s love for her child. It was extraordinary. 

The Greeks first used the word φιλότεκνος, ον to describe such love: philoteknos, meaning “loving one’s children.” This word appears once in the New Testament, in Titus 2:4:

That they may train the young women to love [philoteknos] their husbands, to love their children.

Titus 2:4, emphasis mine

Because the word only appears once in the entire NT, it is more difficult for scholars to settle on an exact definition. It has been said that philoteknos encompasses the efforts of child training, biblical eduction, self control, respect of parental authority, God’s authority, and teaching the child to love Jesus above all else. This kind of love can only truly be felt by believers of the Gospel. 

Grandma SR and Baby Sophie, a few minutes after she was born, 7/8/10

On vacation in Florida, November 2010

There is another kind of Biblical love, phileo, which is best described by Joseph Henry Thayer:

'Phileo' is a love which consists of the glow of the heart kindled by the perception of that in the [person] whom affords us pleasure. It is the response of the human [soul] to what appeals toit as pleasurable...The word was used to speak of friendly affection. 

The New Thayer’s Greek-English Lexicon of the New Testament, 1981. 

This is the fervid, soul-ish love I feel for my mother. Now, I cannot claim that she is the perfect mom; after all, what woman can truthfully stake such a claim? What I can say, however, is that she has given me all of her self; emotional strength, even when she had none left to give, undeserved understanding and acceptance, and even her last shred of dignity when I needed to step on it. She learns my needs and constantly fulfills them. She is my biggest fan, whether it be on the tennis court, Step 1 Test Day, or my daily struggle as a new mom. She is the pillar to whom I cling in my darkest hours, when I crawl into her bed and let her stroke my hair and scratch my back until I fall asleep. 

Last week, my mom was telling me about her retirement plans, and somehow we got to the subject of parents dying. She mentioned that she felt close to her parents, especially her mother, having been the youngest (and most pampered) of ten children. They’ve been dead for almost 20 years now. She said something like “Its amazing how little I think about them now, and they were my parents.” I knew she was thinking of her own mortality, as she and my dad have been saying for years now that they “probably only have a good 10-15 years left.” I kept quiet, I hate talking/thinking about my parents dying. Truthfully, I often pray that I will die before my parents (and my husband, for that matter) to avoid such agonizing, eviscerating suffering. Such a selfish prayer I know...but it terrifies me. Whatever the Lord’s will is for their lives and mine, I pray He will be enough to sustain me. 

But for now, I thank God for another year of my mom’s life. Another year of enjoyed friendship, of celebration with a new granddaughter, of her ever-constant love and encouragement. 


Happy Birthday Mom. Thank you...for everything. I love you. 

The First Post

A few weeks ago, I had an idea to write a blog. I don’t want to say I felt “called,” because I  think that term should only be used for super significant, life-changing endeavors, like following Jesus, getting married, or starting a family. 

At first I thought I would write solely about my experiences as a new mom, and the endless struggles that ensue. As Sophie gets older, the reality of discipline and training is setting in. Biblical parenting is a daunting, Everest-sized challenge and I am terrified of failing, not only my daughter, but my God. Its hard to believe He has entrusted this little soul to us, even for a short while, to guide her heart towards the truth. 

Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord. Ephesians 6:4

I used to think, How am I possibly worthy of this task? The truth is that I am NOT worthy of this task. I am not worthy of any of the blessings the Lord freely pours onto me, not worthy of my loving, gentle husband, not worthy of parents who have loved me so deeply, not worthy of a life absent of true suffering. I am not worthy of God’s pardon, of His grace. I am not worthy of Jesus. But here I am, and He has given us this task. So what can I do but thank Him, praise Him, and beg for a drop of His wisdom and His Holy Spirit for guidance. I know I will screw things up along the way, get in the way of what God wants for my daughter, but I know that my screw-ups are nothing that the Lord can’t handle. As Christian parents, we must resign ourselves to being completely out of control. That resignation is something that I continually struggle with. But being out of control is NOT scary, because GOD is in control! How AWESOME it that?

Anyways, I’m getting off-task. The blog. The majority of it will indeed be reflections on different parenting methods, how we are teaching her Scripture and to embody that Scripture. It will also have reflections on what we see God teaching us, either through His church, the brethren, or just everyday life. It is my fervent prayer that this blog will bring glory to God, that perhaps by sharing our personal struggles, HE will be put on display as the answer to any situation.